Bureau of Pending Matters Building directory Beta

Every floor of the Bureau

The Bureau of Pending Matters occupies one building: a hundred floors above the Lobby and nine below it. There is no Floor 4 and no Floor 13. Each floor is a department. Most are not open to the public and are listed here as a courtesy.

6 floors are open to Applicants so far, marked below. On each one there are rooms, and in each room almost anything you do is certified. You get to them by elevator, having first waited.

Take a number What is this?

Floors 100 to 50

  1. 100 The Top Your Matter will be resolved here. The elevator has never been asked to go this far.
  2. 99 Penultimate Affairs Handles everything that comes just before the end.
  3. 98 The Floor Below the Floor Below the Top Self-explanatory, and the only floor that is.
  4. 97 Clouds Visibility poor. Certificates may be damp.
  5. 96 Observation Deck Observes Applicants. For the view outside, see Floor 43.
  6. 95 The Director's Corridor Longer than the one on Floor 2, and shorter on the way back, as a perk.
  7. 94 The Director's Fern The fern has a view. The fern has a title.
  8. 93 The Director's Calendar The Director is free on the 31st of any month that has 30 days.
  9. 92 The Deputy Director's Inner Office An outer office for the outer office.
  10. 91 The Deputy Director's Outer Office The Deputy Director will see you after the Director does.
  11. 90 Executive Waiting The chairs have arms.
  12. 89 Nearly There Where Applicants are told they are nearly there.
  13. 88 Symmetry Looks the same from the elevator as from the stairs.
  14. 87 Birds They got in during construction. They have seniority now.
  15. 86 Removed Removed from service, from the directory and, on windy days, from the building.
  16. 85 Altitude Adjustment Ears may pop. Claims for popped ears, Floor 11.
  17. 84 Fish Liaison Represents the interests of the fish on Floor L. The fish has not been in touch.
  18. 83 Vending (Concepts) Restocks the machine in the Front Hall. Out of Closure again.
  19. 82 Disclaimers This directory is provided as is. So is the building.
  20. 81 Legal Nothing on this line constitutes a floor.
  21. 80 Cloakroom Coats accepted. Coats are not returned in the same season.
  22. 79 Budget Has spent its allocation on a sign that says BUDGET.
  23. 78 Surveys How was your visit to Floor 78? Answers to Floor 78.
  24. 77 Luck Not a department. People just keep pressing the button.
  25. 76 Ceremonies Presents certificates for attending the presenting of certificates.
  26. 75 Three Quarters Nothing is located here, to three decimal places.
  27. 74 Waiting (Advanced) For Applicants who have completed Waiting (General). Prerequisites apply.
  28. 73 Acoustics Ensures that footsteps on every floor sound as if they come from the floor above.
  29. 72 Thermostat The thermostat is behind glass. The glass is behind another thermostat.
  30. 71 Umbrella Stand One stand. A full floor was allocated, to be safe.
  31. 70 Archives of the Archives Records about Records. See also Floor 5, which does not see back.
  32. 69 Office of Tone Reviews remarks for levity. This entry is under review.
  33. 68 Fire Safety In the event of fire, file Form 68-F in triplicate and proceed calmly to wait.
  34. 67 Locks Locked. See Floor 66.
  35. 66 Keys Holds the key to Floor 67.
  36. 65 Furniture Chairs bolted down, awaiting chairs.
  37. 64 Training A video about lifting boxes, looping since the boxes were lifted.
  38. 63 Retirement Parties There is cake. It is for someone else.
  39. 62 Tuesdays Administers Tuesdays. The other days are handled by a contractor.
  40. 61 Calendars Today's date is available on request, tomorrow.
  41. 60 Clocks Sets the building's clocks. Each is right, for the floor it was set on.
  42. 59 Morale Closed until morale improves.
  43. 58 Applicant Relations Feels the Bureau and its Applicants should see other people.
  44. 57 External Mail No such address.
  45. 56 Internal Mail Delivers anywhere in the building, within six to eight floors.
  46. 55 Ink For the stamps on Floor 54. Blue-black only. The blue is on back order.
  47. 54 Rubber Stamps APPROVED, DENIED, and the ever-popular PENDING.
  48. 53 Paper Clips Counted nightly. The count is confidential, and is 4,011.
  49. 52 Shredding (Suggestions) Works closely with Floor 51.
  50. 51 Suggestions The box is on Floor 52.
  51. 50 Halfway A commemorative bench. Sitting is by application to Floor 31.

Floors 49 to M

  1. 49 Almost Halfway Preparations for Floor 50.
  2. 48 Office of Estimated Wait Times About twenty minutes.
  3. 47 Lighting One tube flickers on every floor. This is where it is decided which.
  4. 46 Weather (Indoor) Light drizzle near the east printers.
  5. 45 Duplicates A duplicate of Floor 44.
  6. 44 Duplicates A duplicate of Floor 45.
  7. 43 Windows Responsible for the view. The view is under review.
  8. 42 Stairs The department, not the stairs. The stairs are out of order. See Floor 41.
  9. 41 Elevator Maintenance Reachable only by the stairs.
  10. 40 Inspections Inspects the other floors, and fails them alphabetically.
  11. 39 Office of Prior Approval Approves things before they are thought of. Your idea was declined in March.
  12. 38 Echoes Echoes. Echoes.
  13. 37 Carpets One carpet, all floors. It was cheaper by the mile.
  14. 36 Plants (Real) Closed for the foreseeable. Condolences may be left on Floor 35.
  15. 35 Plants (Artificial) Waters them anyway.
  16. 34 Translations Bureau into plain language, and back. Mostly back.
  17. 33⅓ Long Play The long version of the hold music. Side two is the same as side one.
  18. 33 Hold Music Composes, rehearses and loops. Your visit is important to them.
  19. 32 Floor 23 Signed as Floor 23, pending correction. See Corrections, Floor 23.
  20. 31 Standards Keeps the standard chair, the standard wait and the standard sigh.
  21. 30 Cafeteria (Staff) Soup of the day: yesterday's.
  22. 29 Office of the Deputy Assistant Assists the Deputy. The Deputy's post is vacant and is not expected back.
  23. 28 Still Pending Overflow from Floor 27.
  24. 27 Pending Matters pending.
  25. 26 Licensing Licenses to hold a license. Bring your license.
  26. 25 A Quarter of the Way A landing with a plaque. The plaque congratulates the elevator.
  27. 24 Hours of Operation Open around the clock, for the purpose of posting when it is closed.
  28. 23 Corrections Corrects errors in this directory. Located on Floor 32.
  29. 22 Bureau of Acronyms (BOA) Not that BOA. See also: BOA.
  30. 21 Minutes Minutes of the meetings on Floor 20, running several hours behind.
  31. 20 Meetings A meeting is in progress. It is about when to hold the next one.
  32. 19 Lost Paperwork Not to be confused with Lost Property. It often is, which is how the paperwork was lost.
  33. 18 Weights and Pauses Certifies the length of a moment. One moment, please.
  34. 17 Signage Signs for every floor but this one. Follow the arrows, when they arrive.
  35. 16 Department of Departments Establishes departments, including, awkwardly, itself.
  36. 15 Stationery Pens, chained. Chains, on order.
  37. 14 Superstition Compliance Ensures the building has no Floor 13. Has never been downstairs to check.
  38. 12A Not the Thirteenth Floor Inquiries about a Floor 13 are handled on Floor 13.
  39. 12 Decisions Decisions, pending the outcome of appeals on Floor 11.
  40. 11 Appeals Appeals against decisions made on Floor 12.
  41. 10 Office of Round Numbers Rounds things up. Rounds things down on request, in writing, eventually.
  42. 9 Queue Management Please wait here to be told where to wait.
  43. 8 Numbers Issues the numbers people take. Now serving a different number.
  44. 7½ The Copy Room Duplication, triplication, and whatever comes after that. Open to Applicants
  45. 7 Complaints Open on alternate leap days. Take a number. The numbers are on Floor 8.
  46. 6 Department of Forms Forms for requesting forms. Form 6 is not available on Floor 6.
  47. 5 Records Everything the Bureau knows, shelved by a system that has since retired. Open to Applicants
  48. 3 The Break Room Staff only. Applicants are admitted as an oversight. Open to Applicants
  49. 2 The Corridor Offices 201 to 299, in the order they were numbered. Open to Applicants
  50. M Mezzanine A floor's worth of railing. Views of the Lobby by appointment.

The Lobby

  1. L The Lobby Reception, general waiting, and the fish. Open to Applicants

Below the Lobby

  1. B9 Bedrock The building's oldest department. No staff, no turnover. Being furnished
  2. B8 The Foundation A charitable foundation, and also the foundation. Donations support both. Being furnished
  3. B7 Dead Letter Office Mail for departments that no longer exist, sorted daily. Being furnished
  4. B6 The Generator Powers the building during an outage. Requires power to start. Being furnished
  5. B5 Archive of Things Never Filed Empty by definition. Inspected weekly, to make sure. Being furnished
  6. B4 Parking (Overflow) For vehicles awaiting a space on B3. Being furnished
  7. B3 Sub-Basement Parking Reserved for vehicles awaiting a space. Being furnished
  8. B2 The Boiler and Its Deputy Heat for the building, on application. Applications are kept warm. Being furnished
  9. B1 Lost Property Things left behind, held until claimed or until they forget whose they were. Open to Applicants

This directory is provided as is. So is the building. See Floor 82.